“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
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Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”