Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
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Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes