Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
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Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report