“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
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Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
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