Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
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There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I just tested negative for patience.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
WTF