Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
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Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
No way!
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.