Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
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Cats (2019)
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?