Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.