welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
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I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
If I ignore life will it go away?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.