Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
You Might Also Like
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
What
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.