“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
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Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.