Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
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Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.