Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
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My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess