Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
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[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit