Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
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Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god