Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
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6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
my proudest tweet
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles