Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
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Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range