Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
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Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*