Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
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My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Breaking news:
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what