Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“