Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
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*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I have so many questions.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Stop.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I get distracted pretty eas
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!