Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
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McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
This kid is going places
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them