Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
You Might Also Like
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
A roof is a house hat.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today