Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
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Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Expect the unexporcupine.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Anyone really
Would you wear it?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”