Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
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I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.