DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
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If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
couldn’t resist
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
A great tip. #CakeRex
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.