“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
You Might Also Like
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
me 2 months after i graduated
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
You deplete me
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.