“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
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Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit