Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
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A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
the answer was staring at me all along
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
The police never think its as funny as you do.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.