“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
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Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”