“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
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BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
those birds must be on payroll
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!