“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
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difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.