WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
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My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.