Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
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Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
We decided to have money instead of children.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”