@audipenny: Welcome to The News. Tonight's top story: you know that thing you love? It's terrible and you're terrible. Thanks,
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@SteveDutzy: Hey, we never talked in high school! Let's be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk! JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
@joejwest: COP: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea SUSPECT: Is it bring your kid to work day? LITTLE GIRL: [slams fist on desk] Answer the question
@FakeDeanAccount: Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be? A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
@Swishergirl24: Doctor: You have bronchitis Me: OMG I've always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?