@audipenny: Welcome to The News. Tonight's top story: you know that thing you love? It's terrible and you're terrible. Thanks,
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@krissywillbretz: *drops acid* *picks up acid* *drops acid* *picks up acid* *drops acid* *picks up acid* *drops acid* *checks for abs, finds a clown
@KatieBurnett: Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
@jdforshort: College guy: How do you like it? Me: Salty...of course *slaps down $20 CG: We'll take two pretzels with salt ~Get outta the gutter pervs
@holypurgatory: A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.