Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
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I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I came this close!!!!
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.