@BeardSpice: Welcome to thievery club. Please take a seat.
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@mrtruthandsoul: "I think I stepped in some upchuck" What's up, Chuck? "Not much, but my name's not Chuck" *vomits*
@junejuly12: [on phone] Of course I trust you, babe. Always. *searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
@PaperWash: idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school
@drinksmcgee: Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.