My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
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FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort