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Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
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And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Mad Max Arctic Road
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice