“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
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When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?