@GoodNaps: Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else
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@sageboggs: Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
@MarionDowling: BREAKING NEWS: A werewolf has apparently mated with the Loch Ness Monster. Please retweet to raise a Were Ness.
@JKNenagh: Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy, and it's fun. * scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
@hippieswordfish: [arcade] KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine DAD: hey buddy, why don't you give the kid a turn LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE'RE IN LOVE