Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
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Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
thanksgiving in nutshell
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Meanwhile in Portland…
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*