Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
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The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
me adding lol on a serious message
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Extremely relatable.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.