I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
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5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
True freaking story!
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?