They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
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Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Don’t we all.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”