Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
my name if I was in the mob
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!