Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
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Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
School be like
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”