Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
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Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
yea so i messed up lol
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
A choir of Spring onions
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?