Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
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My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
My time has come.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.