Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
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Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike