Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”